our song in the night

We got the call tonight. CPS is coming to pick up little M tomorrow.

When my worker called me I couldn't help but start balling on the phone. We were not prepared for this. But, I guess you can never be prepared. I couldn't even finish the conversation with her. Our convo was a haze. 

Right now I am laying with little M in my arms, he normally doesn't sleep with us, but tonight is different. Tonight is our last night. I am hoping the night won't pass and time will stand stil  so that I can hear his little breath and feel his sweet skin on mine. What am I going to do without his smile in my days? His laugh? His talking? and seeing his face light up when i walk by...*

*and that's the end of the typing I did that terrible  Thursday night. I just stopped typing and snuggled him through the night. I didn't sleep, but I sure watched him rest with us. Now it's Monday and our hearts still ache. It was excruciating going through the first night, morning, car ride, church service, visit to grandparents, ect. without him.  Today I had my first walk without him. Oh how I'd give anything to have him snuggled up to my chest again. 

But God, in His complete faithfulness has shown us His mercy through these painful days. He's reminded us of the call and the cost of loving these babies and we've decided that all this pain is so worth it. Little m is worth it all. The 4 1/2 months of being his parents and sharing so many delightful memories with him was totally worth it. God makes beautiful things and doesn't waste a moment. Not even one. So we pray now. We pray that we can keep in touch, that the mom will respond to my letter, that M will be saved as well as his mom and family! We pray because our God is glorious and He can do infinitely more than we can ask or seek or imagine. We serve an awesome God who redeems all things. And redemption in foster care is HIS business!

Some sweet videos of our precious boy taken the day he left; 

When we first got the babies my morning walks with them were my sanity. Seriously. During my walks, both babies were content, and I could breathe in the fresh air and turn my worship music on loud!  These were my sanctified times with Jesus too. I cried many tears asking for help with the seemingly insurmountable task of raising two babies 14 months apart while never being a mommy before. But I also sang many praises. I prayed many prayers. All on my walks. This last walk with M was more of a silent recollection of the grace God enabled us to have in taking care of this precious boy. The song "You're beautiful" by Phil wickham came on and we worshipped God together As a family. God  indeed is beautiful.  He gave us this beautiful opportunity to love on precious M for almost 5 months! This was a special moment and I'm glad "dada" captured it! 

Kalen also captured this the last day. When we first got m he was coming off cocaine and so he was very irritable and couldn't be soothed easily at all. The only thing that would soothe him was being sung "Amazing grace" to  and swaddled real tight. I remember one time counting 13 times that I had to sing it to him for him to finally close his eyes, but he did! And this song always calmed his heart. This day, it only took 1 time to sing it. This is precious to me, and I wanted to sing him to sleep one more time before he left. 

This Last video was m and dada. I'm telling you guys, my husband is the Best dad. He came home every night excited to hang out with M (male bonding I guess). They developed a sweet relationship! Dada loved to make him giggle. Little m was beginning to start talking a lot, and even started squealing when he was really happy! This video captured his squeal perfectly and the sweet relationship they share!❤️

So I end this post with a thankful heart. God was so kind to give us 4 1/2 months with M. We cherish every moment. One last thing... I started coloring this sheet of paper from my new coloring book last week and finished it yesterday. I am so amazed how much God is in the details... did I know last week that M was going to be leaving? Nope. But God did. So he had me start this page a week ago and finish it yesterday to remind me He knows all things and I can fully trust Him! ❤️❤️❤️


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